Trust: the fools security blanket

I was the most trusting wife on the planet. This is not hyperbole or exaggeration. I was secure and happy in my perfect trust. Why ? Because I had found the guy that was different. I had met and fell in love with the unicorn. The one guy that wasn't like my dad or the other guys I had dated. He was honest, respectful, and devoted. We had both grown up in homes were infidelity had destroyed those marriages and never wanted to walk that road.

Here are some examples of my trust. My husband has always had more women friends than men, he was raised by his mom, sister, and grandma so he was very comfortable around feminine energy, men make him tense. So there's always women calling him and texting him, and I never thought anything of it. He'd be out to dinner, or getting drinks with these woman, he made a great wing man for their dating lives. His best friend was a woman and they often traveled together and split the cost of a hotel room. I had no problem with this. Before we married he moved across the country for grad school and found an apartment, his roommate was a woman, I thought this was great.

Once we were married all the women in his life became my friends too. A book project came up and he started communicating a little more with one particular friend because they were working on the project together. He also had another book project that would take him to cities hours away to do interviews, but most often near the city this particular friend lived. But I knew this friend well and we had so many mutual friends that I trusted her completely. In fact when she split up from her fiance I offered her comfort and advice because so many people in her life that it was a terrible idea and I thought it was the best thing for her.

So they called an texted all the time, she'd started chatting more with me and we developed some lighthearted inside jokes about my husband. She had tickets to a concert for one of his favorite bands (also one of hers). it was about an hour from her house, (which is about an hour from our house). He also had an early interview scheduled up in the area so I had no problem with the plan that'd he stay at her house after the concert and then be fresh and ready for his interview.

He had also started going on solo camping trips again. This was a habit of his before and while we dated. It was how he rebooted himself. With the mental health struggles I was encouraged to see him doing some self-care.

But my trust was misplaced. The book project was just a ruse to see her. The interviews although real were the plan to steal a few hours together. He'd interview a person, send me a few pics of how it was going and then steal away to fuck her. It was a perfect excuse for why it'd take so long, traffic in California is a nightmare and damn if it didn't take forever to get through it. The concert was real but of course it was just an excuse to spend an uninterrupted night together and there wasn't an interview the next day. The self care camping trips were just weekend getaways with her at her house. But he would go so far as to pack his camping gear and send me a photo of his camp site, which turned out to just be stock photos he found online.

The lies were so thick that to this day I have trouble sorting through what happened in those 18 months of their affair.

The surreal thing is I don't trust easy, he was the acceptation to my rules and that is what makes me feel so foolish. Life has taught me well that no one can be trusted, but this man made me believe for a little while that I'd gotten it wrong. He had me believing that not all men cheat. But now I'm sure, does this mean every man will cheat, no maybe not but if given the chance probably. I also don't trust the women in my life, I have been stabbed in the heart by a woman as she smiled into my eyes and laughed at my jokes. This deepening of my distrust and the widening of the chasm between me and other people is probably the greatest wound of this experience.

I honestly don't know if I will ever trust anyone ever again. It's a burden to live with this suspicion but the pain of broken heart through broken trust is so much heavier. So if you are working on building trust and healing that wound, I wish you luck and joy. But if cynicism ends up being your being were you end up, give me a call and we'll enjoy margarita night and share war stories.

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