I read every blog post and listened to every podcast episode. I asked my therapist and members of my support group, should I or shouldn't I confront her. The resounding response was no. That nothing good comes from confronting her and that I would just get hurt again.
But I couldn't let it be, I had to do something. I realized I didn't need to see her face to face because I didn't want a response, or excuse or more details. I wanted to say my peace and be done with it. So I wrote her a letter, I poured all my rage and hurt and pain at the way she treated me on to those pages. The letter proved to be VERY effective. A year ago my husband reached out to her and because of this letter she shut him down hard and then had her sister yell at him and inform me that he had contacted her. That was the silver lining to the fact that my husband was still trying to connect with her! That was my last Dday (so far).
I have included the letter here(names have been changed) so if anyone else wants to read what my version of a necessary confrontation is, use it as a template for their own letter or just to get to know me better here it is (warning it is as brutal as I could make it, I wanted it to hurt):
Hello So I have only one regret on how I’ve handled the discovery of my husband fucking around and that is the way I’ve treated you. I realize that I was WAY to fucking nice to you. It was the shock and the fact that my nature is actually to be a nice person. But when I saw a strange message pop up on his phone and my entire life changed with the realization that my husband had been sticking his dick in you, a deep fundamental change began taking place in me. That night, upon this discovery I left you a very civil voicemail and then while still in shock with in the next couple of days I sent you, dare I say, a compassionate Facebook message instructing you to leave us alone and wishing you well and a better life. That should have been the end of it, and I probably would have thought very little of you, but you didn’t leave us alone. You doubled down and tried to finish the job of destroying my marriage and getting my husband to leave me for you. And in fact haven’t ever really left him/us alone. But until now, I didn’t say anything more to you and I’m regretting that immensely. Now if you’re wondering why I would go to the trouble of writing you after all this time, it’s because the trauma inflicted by this kind of betrayal takes years to process and heal from. So it often feels as painful and fresh for me as it did the first days of discovery. I’ve included a couple of articles for you since you’ve always enjoyed pretending to be intelligent. This way you can have researched proof of what a horrible person you are and the damage you inflict. I’ve thought about this a lot, I think about it constantly, it’s one of the horrific PTSD issues, obsessive thoughts and constant triggers. So that’s why I’ve decided for my own well being and healing to write you this letter so that I can officially say I hate you. And here’s why I hate you...injustice. The injustice mindfucks me everyday. The injustice of you getting to lie, cheat, and steal into my marriage and suffer no consequences for your despicable behavior. Now you might argue that you’ve had all kinds of pain and consequences but I deny that, because the difference is as if I get to have open heart surgery everyday and you had a cat scratch. The pain and healing times are very different. For almost 2 years you looked me in the eye and feigned friendship then went off, fucked my husband and got to feel smug and superior. Pretending and lying to yourself that you had this deep connected relationship. You tried stealing a relationship that didn’t belong to you, knowing full well it wasn’t the end of the life you’d built for 25 years if you didn’t get what you wanted. When your reprehensible behavior was discovered you got to walk away free to live whatever future you chose, uninjured, carefree, unencumbered by any history or situation. Supposedly heartbroken but that’s just narcissistic bullshit and selfish delusion. It was such a casual cruelty inflicted on me by you that it just pisses me off to no end. You know who your behavior reminds me off? Donald Trump, another, fat, ugly, ginger, with daddy issues, who acts like an unsupervised and peevish, toddler, smashing and destroying wherever you go. Yet you’re not the one that has to pay the price for your reign of terror. Like America, I’m the one who has to pay for your choices. You act like a naive young girl whose just discovering the world, but you’re not a young girl. You’re a grown ass woman in her mid 30’s who has accomplished nothing and will never accomplish anything because your a miserable combination of fucking helpless, selfish, and arrogant. You don’t have the basic concepts of being an adult down yet. If I didn’t hate you so much I’d feel sorry for you. Also because you don’t know how to function in this world you create constant chaos. And because of your chaos, I now must work through a shit ton of trauma and nightmares. I am the one who was lied to by the man who promised to always be honest with me and you helped, encouraged, and participated in those lies. I welcomed you into my home, tried to support and encourage you in life’s ups and down, I never harmed you or deserved to be treated so cruelly by you. I now get to live in constant doubt of everyone I know, questioning if they are lying to me too. I’m the one that now has to look everyone in my life in the eye and wonder if they are betraying me and trying to destroy/steal my life? That kind of paranoia is exhausting. I’m the one who was betrayed by the person who made promises to me and you enthusiastically participated and encouraged him to break every promise he made to me because you are so fucking broken it didn’t matter the risk as long as your need got satisfied. Do you even have the capacity to understand how unbelievably selfish that is?? So now I have to live with the knowledge that he stuck his dick in you and your equally pathetic friend Mara, and wonder if there are any more out there or will there be more. I also get to live with the knowledge that I have a disease that I didn’t get a choice about, my body was put at risk with out my knowledge or consent and that is on you, on you and my husband. My health and safety meant nothing to you and that is unbelievably cutthroat and self absorbed. That choice has intensified the betrayal 10 fold. Although a little soothing thought is by taking choices about my body away from me and giving me an std you actually committed a crime, you selfish cunt, one that I could have you charged with if I wanted!!! I do like to imagine you in front of a judge because of your diseased snatch, being ordered to pay me compensation and even registering as a sex offender. That just makes me giggle! So now I get to work through all this shit. But you? Well you get to walk away. You and My husband made choices that directly impacted me and I have to live with and cope with those choices now for the rest of my life and that’s not even being a little bit over dramatic. It’s actually underselling the pain and suffering. But you get to walk away, no trauma, no grief, no broken life, or at least not more broken than it was in the first place. Now maybe, if I’m being generous you can classify what happened as a “messy break-up.” But not really because it wasn’t a relationship, he wasn’t your boyfriend, he’s not an ex, he’s just the liar you let fuck you because he told you the things you wanted to hear and you have no self esteem, but it certainly wasn’t a relationship. And maybe that feels bad but it’s NOT the complete destruction of your entire life. Every memory, moment, and promise brought into question. See being the affair partner is easy, you get the fun part, the shiny part. You don’t have to do any of the icky shitty parts of being in a relationship. You just got to open your pussy and shower the cum off when he left to come home to me. Because despite what he was saying to you, all the times he’d say I love you and I miss you, he was lying to maintain access to your sloshy cunt. It wasn’t you he went home to, and it wasn’t you he begged to stay and work it out with. It isn’t your relationship he’s trying to save. You were a convenience like McDonald’s, fast, easy, but not good for anyone or satisfying. Now maybe you sit around some nights, alone at home and feel sorry for yourself, how you “fell” for the wrong guy, how you have terrible taste in men, and bemoan how he just used you for sex, and what a tough life lesson that was. Boo fucking hoo, you dumb ass dick receptacle! Here is another hard truth, he didn’t use you, you welcomed him in, spread that cunt wide and put a neon fucking open for business sign above it. You knew he was married and made the choice anyway. Your actions invited in with glee any pain you experienced, consequences be damned and that’s why I say you aren’t paying any price for what happened.
Now perhaps if you’d been a young woman seduced and duped into a relationship only to find out later that your “boyfriend” was married could you get a moment of sympathy and/or victim status. But that’s not your story, you are equally predatory, seeking your own gratification no matter who you hurt to get it. So if you ever have a moment of self pity remember you don’t deserve it because you invited any misery in with wanton passion and abandonment. You created the nightmare and have never been a victim of it. That’s the depth of the injustice! Here’s another reason I have such a deep seeded hatred for you. I hate you for treating another woman so disrespectfully. You always speak as if empowering women is important to you, that being in charge of your choices and your body is your priority. That all women must fight against rape culture, male privilege and misogyny yet you don’t seem to grasp that fucking another woman’s husband and betraying another woman’s trust only gives approval to all that negative male behavior. You act like an idiot sex doll and then demand to be respected and applauded for it because your being sexually free!? Bullshit, you let a man stick his dick in you and you pretended it was a relationship because you’re so fucking insecure you just wanted some affection that made you feel good for a second. That’s pathetic, not free. Free is fucking someone knowing that person hasn’t made promises to someone else. Being sexually free is also being a responsible adult and being aware that you aren’t destroying another persons entire life for an orgasm. I’m not shaming your desire to get laid. Sex is great, big fun, go out have a ton of it. You want to fuck a different guy every night? Great you go get some, ride dick like your in a rodeo, just make sure he isn’t going home to someone else that didn’t get a choice or doesn’t know he’s fucking you. You want to fuck woman? Excellent, enjoy licking pussy till your hearts content, and your jaw is sore, just make sure she isn’t telling someone else that they are the only one in her snatch. You want threesomes or to join a polyamorous relationship? You want someone in every orifice at the same time? More power to you. Whatever gets you off, whatever kink takes you to orgasm town, great, enjoy it! Just be real sure that everyone involved isn’t about to traumatize another human being just to fuck and get off. Because trust me no orgasm is worth the mind numbing agony of discovering your being betrayed. Now sometimes I wonder if you ever had a moment of doubt. If you ever thought as you sucked my husbands dick “I’m a piece of shit” for doing this, I should stop, I should slap him and tell him to go home to his wife and never call me again or treat me with so much disrespect. Because that’s what he was doing, dumb ass, he was disrespecting you every time he stuck his dick in any of your openings, any time you made him cum, any time he ate your pussy it was disrespect. It may have felt good but you were just a fancy masturbation toy. But then I realize that it doesn’t matter if you ever had doubts because you made the choice anyway and continued to make the choice time and time again. So any doubts you had or any guilt you maybe felt is null and void because you ignored doing the decent thing just to serve your own insecurities and selfish needs, blatantly ignoring the damage you were causing. Because of this mind and heart crushing experience I belong to a couple of support groups and have the gift of working with women who’ve been through true hell, victimized in terrible and brutal ways yet they are filled with so much compassion and integrity. Not a single one of them has used the pain and treatment they’ve received as an excuse to harm anyone else. They use their experience as a catalyst for change, to support and teach other women how to stand strong for themselves. To actually empower women not your bullshit, lip service version. It makes me think of you and how you’ve done the exact opposite. Instead of being a beacon for other women, using your story of poor treatment by men in power to show courage and strength, you became a pathetic, whiny bitch, lashing out and doing irreparable damage and it’s that selfish cruelty and willful ignorance that makes me keep hating you. Now don’t mistake this letter as an invitation to reach out to me or Johnny. You are not welcome in any part of our lives. Also STOP emailing My husband!!! I don’t give a fuck who dies in your family, what trite blog post about your latest existential crisis you want edited, or if you need more advise on how to do any fucking chore (seriously you haven’t figured out a method for dishes yet? WTF is wrong with you), or if every one of Johnny's friends follows you on any and all of your social media everyday for what is hopefully your short life (I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you get run over by a bus), don’t email My husband. I don’t even care if he emails, calls, texts or send carrier pigeons to you first, Don’t fucking respond!! LEAVE US alone!!! I don’t care if you want to defend or explain your part in this tragedy, I don’t give a FUCK what you have to say or if you have more “secrets” to disclose. You’ve caused enough damage that will take me years to process. I also want you to know that I will always hate you, I have no plans to forgive you. Now maybe you don’t give a shit about my opinion, good for you. But I think you are so fucking insecure and neurotic that it will eat at you knowing that someone who has a really good reason, hates you and knows that at your core you are nothing but a piece of shit, an abomination that shouldn’t even exist. Even if you spend the rest of your miserable life helping others and making the world a better and safer place (which you won’t because you can’t do anything but wallow in your own misery) you will ALWAYS be a piece of shit at heart because you brutalized another person who really didn’t deserve your careless savagery. And not just a stranger, but someone who truly wanted good things for you, who tried and wanted to help you have a beautiful life. And you took that and shit all over it for what? A few stolen moments of riding dick? That is why I hate you, plain and hopefully simple enough that even an emotional idiot like you can grasp what the fuck you did wrong! So goodbye jizz jar, I truly hope the rest of your life is the hot mess you deserve!!! Fuck you!