My Story: One mom's mental health and self help roller-coaster

This is where I'm starting from. I'm a white woman in her 40's, who's twenty pounds heavier than I want to be. I have fibromyalgia. I live paycheck to paycheck in one of the most affluent communities in the world. I have been married for 22 years, lots of the years have been "happy" and full of love, some have been devastating but all of them have been hard. I have two amazing, funny, smart, and beautiful daughters who fill my heart with joy even when breaking it. They both identify as LGBTQ and that's awesome but I am terrified how this fucked up world is going to treat them. I work for a racist, misogynistic, homophobic, narcissistic, recovering alcoholic and oh yeah he's also my father and I despise him.

A few years ago my husband had a terrible work situation that culminated in his firing and he ended up having a legit nervous breakdown. His depression spiraled, he was suicidal, he started hating God and all Christians, he couldn't work, hell he could barely function. I was working part time then and doing the mom thing. So I left my career (yes I had a career even part time) and went back to work full time for my father. It sucked because he's an unbelievable asshole but it was steady and not likely that I'd get fired if I needed to leave early for kid stuff. The situation was hard and it sucked but I thought we'd make it through and my husband would find his way back (he had a psychiatrist and therapist). But he didn't.

Instead he had an affair with a friend of ours (oh and a friend of hers for some dumb ass menage a trois shit), for almost two years he had enough creativity and energy to sneak around. He couldn't make it to therapy or a job but boy could he get his ass to her and lie to me sooooo smoothly to do it. This discovery has been more devastating then any other shitty thing that has happened to me, and I'm not over it even a little bit. It was a double betrayal. When I think about all the times she came to my house or events or parties, sending me messages on social media and hug me and joke with me like we were buds all the while fucking my husband. The ability to look me in my eye and then stab me in the back is terrifying and has altered all my relationships with the women in my life.

When I found out I was ready to kick his ass to the curb but he begged me to stay together and work it out. He swore up and down that he loved me and wanted to make our marriage work. So I stayed (or let him stay) and everyday since I have a moment were I regret this decision. It took a long time for him to completely end the affair because he was still hoping they could be friends just not fuck buddies. I made it very clear that this was going to be a no contact situation or we were over. So as far as I have been able to figure out it is finally over.

Almost nobody knows, unfortunately one of the people that does know is my horrible father. Now my dad is no stranger to infidelity. He cheated on my mom every year of their 20 year marriage including have a son. His technique for "helping" me through the affair was to tell me every affair story about himself, his friends, and acquaintances. Tell me jokes about infidelity or suggest movies or tv shows about it because in his words "it's normal and the best wives understand that this is just something men need to do and that sex and love are separate." He did this everyday, yes I said EVERYDAY for six months until I left. I found another job and quit. It was great I was free from the narcissistic monster.

Here we are three years later. Although really only one year since my husband last had contact with her. And if you are following along you might be wondering why I said I'm working for my dad when I just wrote that I got free. Well a year into my freedom the wolf came to me in sheep's clothing. Told me his sob story about how he was getting to old and couldn't keep working at this rate and had health problems and government problems and would I please come back and take over the company. As soon as he got the govt. thing settled he'd retire and the company would be mine, please, please, please! So like a fool I agreed. And since he is a narcissist that means he's a liar and now I'm here stuck for the time being.

My husband is still struggling intensely with his depression lots of ups and downs. He has started a business that is growing but he threatens to shut it down all the time. I don't think he's seeing anyone but I'm pretty sure he's just replaced the real woman with a porn addiction. My girls hate their dad and ask me on a weekly basis to leave him and it's pretty much open war in our house.

So their is no safe place for me right now and I haven't been able to help anyone including myself at work or at home get to a better place psychologically. Which is what has brought me to rock bottom, writing about my life to strangers. But there is still this little glimmer of hope, like that one piece of glitter that gets stuck on your cheek when you think you've cleaned it all up. I'm going to keep try everything to save myself, my marriage, my family. Suggestions are welcome!

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