One of the questions that run through my head on a loop is - how can he have made the choice to cheat. Because no matter what the state of your marriage is, how broken down the relationship might be, how impaired the individuals might be or how intense the temptation is cheating is absolutely a choice.
Marriage is hard and there are lots of times this person I love so much is also the most annoying person on the planet. We've had spectacular sex and then sometime I don't want him at all and would really just prefer a glass of wine and a true crime show. There are times before the infidelity that I wondered what life would have been like if we didn't get married or if we split up. All because "happily ever after" is hard work when you actually have to live everyday with someone. But it's what I signed up for because I love this man more days than he's annoying, I want him more days than I want the wine and true crime, and when I actually picture life without him it made me so sad.
So each day,good or bad I choose us. Even though I've had chances to choose differently. A few men have presented real opportunity to step out on my marriage and each time I thought Hell no! None but one was ever a real temptation.
A few years ago our lives were falling apart. My husband was in the midst of a very traumatizing experience and was clinically depressed. He'd started self-harming and had serious suicidal ideation. I couldn't leave the house without wondering if he'd be dead when I got home. He had a therapist and a psychiatrist but it wasn't doing any good. He'd lost his job, wasn't/couldn't finding something else. I was working a terrible job to make ends meet and trying to cope with my chronic illness so I could keep the money coming in, oh and being a mom to our two beautiful girls. I'd started to wonder what the line between being a supportive wife and being taken advantage of was. I wondered would it be better for all of us to go our separate ways? Maybe my "support" was really just enabling him and he'd thrive without the pressure of the girls and I. Also it might be healthier for the girls and I to be away and not let him drag us down any further. Essentially we were at a real low,
That's when a man in my work life started to pay me some attention. He was smart, successful, very, very, very wealthy and not bad looking. He made a pretty hard play for me, made it clear he wanted the fairy-tale, not just a piece of ass. It was nice to be seen, to feel wanted and attractive and not just be a work horse or crisis counselor. This was a real temptation, a cross-roads.
I CHOSE to walk away from this moment. I chose my marriage. I thought I love my husband and I wanted to try my best to heal what was breaking us down and it wouldn't be worth the pain, chaos and guilt. What's, shall we say, interesting is the same month I was circling this temptation and saying no, my husband was in fact circling his own temptation and saying yes. I chose my marriage and my husband chose himself.
That is one of the things that is really devastating and makes it hard to trust my husband again.Temptation is all around, tough times are going to happen, marriages are going to be tested. I know that I have the strength of character to do the right thing and my husband doesn't. I don't know how to come back from that and I don't know if I ever will. But I do know I don't regret saying no because I can look myself in the mirror without shame. I know I can look my children in the eye and be an example of good character.
We all face temptation, we all have low points but that's when you get to see who you really are and frankly I like who I am and I can at the very least trust myself.